So, it was a year ago today that my sister-in-law Kaitlin decided to leave us. Anniversaries of deaths are so strange to me because a year and a day ago she was still here. It's just weird. I know that my other sister-in-law and my mother-in-law are having a really hard time today, and I just hope that every day gets a little easier for them. Even in the smallest measurement. I hope that Kaitlin's decision was everything she was hoping it would be. I just imagine the 'afterlife' would be exactly how we would want it. Or at least the next stage in our being is Understanding and Acceptance. I think she would be happy just to Understand. Anyway, she and I never got too close and I think it was Darren's passing that kept us that way. I feel like she didn't want to let anyone in because it would interfere with her plans. But I know she had a great capacity for love, which I believe also was her weakness. But who could be mad at somebody for loving too much? Not me. I'm sad she's not here to experience everything our new, combined family will accomplish but I'm also relieved for her and happy? for her. When she was near me I could feel some of the weight she carried, though none of us thought it was as heavy all Reality bearing down on you. I'm just glad that the weight she was carrying has been lifted and that she is with the people who love her the most; both who've passed and who are still living. I still have dreams with her in it, and she's always accompanied by my deceased Opa, and occasionally with my favorite dog Tootsie who passed away too. And I like to think that it's them coming to visit me and letting me know they're ok and that they're keeping in touch. Gosh I didn't think I'd get this emotional! :'(
Every single person who knew her has all asked this question of themselves: "If only I had *done this* maybe she would still be here." I know I have. My main question to myself is "I wonder if I had made a harder effort to befriend her, maybe she could've opened up to me, and I could've helped." I really think that for the most part I'm a really grounded, level-headed person and I like to think that I've made a difference in one way or another with my friends. I feel like I could've helped. But the thing that helps me not feel guilty is knowing how hard-headed she was and how independent too. She wouldn't have let me help, I don't think. I think she felt like she owed it to Darren to be miserable. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame him (I don't blame anyone.) He wasn't in the right mind when he took his life. I met him once, and he seemed like a really nice guy. A little clingy, maybe, but a good guy. I feel like there had to be more going on with him than we know about than just Kaitlin.
Anyway, I hope they both have what they wanted, whether it's Understanding or each other.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO :* Christal
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